Now, this is my story as I recall and please bear in mind that english is my second language. As for the last century I've been in the university, and therefore I've not been so keen on finding out the real reasons for my voice problems since it didn't accure to me that this might be infact a neurological based. I thought I had some sort of social nervesness, which is relatively common with young students in my country. And in my studies and research I was alot alone, so this didn't bother me so much that I strained my voice sometimes and had problems of that sort.

About a year ago I finally decided to know for sure what was going on with my voice. It took some time and a couple of tests with doctors, speech and neurotherapists etc. for my doctor to come to the conclusion that infact it was propably spasmodic dysphonia that I had. The neuropsychologist I remember, was of the opinion that my stress level with my work and study was doing this to me. Also a psychologist with my university thought I should come to therapy and in doing so, thought that this neurological background for my problems was nonexistent. She in fact had never heard of spasmodic dysphonia. As I later discoverd psychotherapy in such cases does not help with spasmodic dysphonia. Though it might help to deal with the stress that comes with having a voice that doesn't work properly. My speech therapist thought that I strained my throat and my belly while speaking. I later discoverd that it was because of the feeling in my throat that I also strained my belly while speaking.

I have taken a shot of Botox 10 months ago. It seemed to help for awhile. Next week I take another one. It felt last time around like some sort of block or a small ball got out of my throat. The feeling of this block in my throat has not returned yet. But for my doctors advice I take another shot of this poision next week. Since there is no real side-effects that I know of or have experienced I see no reason why not take Botox.

As I've been reading this board for some time, I too have been getting remarks by people about my voice. Earlier I usually agreed with them that I had a cold. Nowadays I usually respond that this is just the way my voice sounds. I feel no obligation to have to explain myself to people. Just awhile ago I was in a job intervue and was asked did I have a speech defect. I answered no, and that this is just the way I sound like. I felt the answer was sufficient enough and I even got the job. So, I pretty much feel at ease about my future now.

It has also taken my family awhile to accept that I have this disorder and I'm not sure if they all still think it must rather be something psychologial than neurological with me. I myself also staggered between psychological and neurological reasons for my condition. Not anymore, now I know it is more likely for neurological reasons that my voice is what it is, and the psychological stress is secondary resulting from the worry that I used to have for worrying whether or not will my voice work or not. It used to be so bad that I was awake at nights obsessing whether or not my voice would work in a stressful situation and what would happen if it wouldn't. I later discoverd this obsessing got me nowhere and have quit worring altogether or at least brought it to a normal persons level. What will be will be.

I've come to the conclusion that I can cope with this voice with of without Botox shots. My voice doesn't seem to me worsen or getting better. The Botox shots seem to help, but we're not quite sure yet. I've slowly accepted this as a part of me. I can sing, shout and talk to people. Someone who has a speech defect and dispite this has been very successful professionaly in my country, has once said that his condition has infact being a blessing in disguise because people have to sharpen up and really concentrate inorder to understand what he has to say and that for this you get your message across better.

It seems to help me with the stress that comes with this disorder to accept this condition than to fight it. I mean not to compare your voice with someone elses and get in despair. My voice is what I have been given and I must make the best of it. Feeling sorry for myself doesn't make my voice any better. Sure it is unfair, but hey, there are far worse disorders and illnesses out there. Although I sure hope there was a cure for this disorder too someday, but since there is no cure at this time, I leave it there and cope.

I hope not to have sounded arrogant in my views of this disorder. Forgive me if you found my views that way, it has not been my goal at all. I do realize that there are alot of people with this condition that have only a little or no speaking voice left at all or who have it worse than I do other ways. Anyways this has been my story and thank you for reading. You can always e-mail me.

Thank you for telling your story - it didn't come across as arrogant and your English is very good. The part I really liked was:

"I myself also staggered between psychological and neurological reasons for my condition. Not anymore, now I know it is more likely for neurological reasons that my voice is what it is, and the psychological stress is secondary resulting from the worry that I used to have for worrying whether or not will my voice work or not. It used to be so bad that I was awake at nights obsessing whether or not my voice would work in a stressful situation and what would happen if it wouldn't. I later discoverd this obsessing got me nowhere and have quit worring altogether or at least brought it to a normal persons level. What will be will be."

That really hit me b/c in my head I often times obsess about my voice. Because anxiety or nervousness makes it worse, I'd worry that people would know I was anxious when I didn't want them to, or that they'd think I'm always nervous when at times I'm not. I'd worry about having to speak at work for something and not be able to get the words out. A fear of the public embarrassment really.

You also sound like a very dedicated student which I was, too. Due to the solitariness of that endevour, I also wondered whether SD was due to social anxiety & getting too used to being alone. But it is good to know that SD is neurological as the primary cause, and the psychological stuff (anxiety, etc) only a secondary influence. I just have to continue to remind myself of that fact b/c I will often fall bck into former & unhealthy ways of thinking about it. Probably b/c I never even had the courage to go to a doctor about it b/c I assumed it was a psychological thing.

Anyways, glad to see you wrote in. I just started writing in myself but find it helpful & informative.

Feel free to email, too,