I still am not sure I have Spasmodic Dysphonia; not because I am denial or because of a lack of trying to find an answer.

I have always been a shy, self conscious person and have never liked being the center of attention (in school, if I didn't understand a lesson, I would not raise my hand because I never wanted to feel stupid). I basically saw myself as the typical shy kid who was picked on by the bullies.

I started noticing small issues with my voice when I was 19, and then only when I said my name on the phone. Instead of Joe, it sounded like "Cho". This became my nickname at work which was incredibly annoying.

At 27, I hit an incredibly stressful point in my life. I was climbing the corporate ladder (of a dotcom no less) and was increasingly looked on as the person with the answer. I soon landed the position of CTO of a newly launched internet company, and felt the weight of the world on me as I was expected to speak publicly, manage many employees, and be a voice in the new company. At the same time, I found out my wife was pregnant. My life could be summed up in one word: "stress". This is when my voice started going down hill.

At first, it felt like I had just jogged up a couple of flights of stairs. I felt out of breath, and always "on my heels" when talking. Instead of projecting my voice, I felt like my voice was buried deep beneath. Of course, as I noticed it, it only got worse. What started as a problem speaking to co-workers soon deteriorated to speaking with my wife, mom and dad, DOG. I withdrew.

After months of my downward spiral, I setup doctors appointments. I first went to my GP, who diagnosed it as a social anxiety disorder (made sense). I had also scheduled an appointment with an Otolaryngologist, who suspected Spasmodic Dysphonia - Abductor(I had found this on the web previosly and was not shocked). He sent me to U of M for further testing. This was the worst experience of my life. The doctor diagnosed me in about thirty seconds. No sympathy, no listening to my thoughts on other "functional" problems, just diagnosed and sent on my way. I found it fascinating that the explanation was "neurological disorder. game over. try Botox.".

I decided to see a voice therapist. She wasn't nearly as convinced as the specialist about the cause. She was interested in my ability to speak correctly after repeating a sentence. My voice was not "buzzing" and she thought my pitch was too high, but MAYBE I had SD. At the same time, the Paxil was not working, but Clonipan had a dramatic effect (although not safe for the long haul).

After a couple months of speech therapy, I was sent on my way (better, but not 100%). That was about a year ago. Since then, I have been on my own, fighting it myself. I find that Caffeine destroys my voice, dropping my voice low dramatically improves it, and getting my voice to "buzz" helps a lot. The problem is, keeping it consistent. I find that I can go a week where my voice is 98-100% using these techniques, but my mind battles back and sends me back to the doldrums. I feel that if I can just perfect my voice, deal with it in my subsconcious (my inner voice has a voice problem too :), I can overcome this.

I am not afraid of this being SD, I just have conflicting views of the actual diagnosis. I felt like I was cast off by the specialists so quickly, that they didn't care to look at alternatives to the root cause. With me, could it be psychological? Possibly! I have always stumbled over my words when I felt like people were listening. I feel like my nervousness and timidness has mutated.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone else been able to train their voice to overcome their problem?